Discover Brüner Satellite
Internet Bundles
Jimmy B is here to make the world a better place, one connection at a time.
Brüner’s Best Plans:
Pamantha
00
/
mo
$5/mo after we’re best friends
Free Change Service
Need to break a $20? We can help.
Video Suggestions
We’ll send you hilarious youtube clips
Complimentary Claps
Included at no additional cost
1.888.888.8888
EL TEN ELEVEN
00
/
mo
$700/mo after you’re officially rich
Patriotic Media
Consume any patriotic content for free.*
Jurassic Park Channel
Channel 345 plays Jurassic Park all day
Chip Bag Service
Stubborn bag of chips? We can help.
1.888.888.8888
Become Enlightened
00
/
mo
$11/mo after you’ve proven worthy
Raft Jousting Channel
Catch all the RJA action in one place!
Reptile Disease Network
Snakes with warts? Look no further
Broken Faucet Repair
Anytime day or night.**
1.888.888.8888
Cult Hero Classic
00
/
mo
-$1/mo after you demonstrate loyalty
Gaming Currency
We now accept Mario and Sonic coins.
Landline Service
Crystal clear calls to Grandma.
Shuttlecock Recovery
We will retrieve stray shuttlecocks at your next badminton match.†
1.888.888.8888
*Does not include The Patriot (2000) for obvious reasons. Independence Day and Red Dawn count, but not the re-makes. Each viewing of either Rocky IV, Iron Eagle, or Top Gun will result in a $5 credit to your account which will be applied to your subsequent bill.
**Ralph can’t come on Tuesday nights. Bowling league.
†Badminton match must be within a 45 mile radius of Ogden, UT.
We’re Here to Brand Everything, Everywhere, Anytime
Flat screen tv? Wireless divice? Tablet? Laptop? We can put our brand image on all of them. We can do it whenever we want, but mostly you’ll see our logo on your screen when you’re experiencing technical difficulties. This way, you will associate our brand with some of your most emotional moments.
It Is Possible to Pay Us More Money
Easy Care
For only $5.99/mo, you can get priority customer support with annual dish relocation, free service calls, and a priority hotline which connects straight to Jimmy’s Pager – faster than a Led Zeppelin guitar solo. Plus, you can add or cancel Easy Care at anytime.
Voice
The industry term for digital phone service is VoIP. We want to mention VoIP here a few times so that we sound legit and you will forefit your dollars to us. Voice is the only VoIP connection that doesn’t subtract from your internet data allowing more time for Strongbad emails and Battlestar Galactica chat rooms.
DIRECTV
If you can get Brüner at your home, you can get DIRECTV and vice versa. If you can get water in your home, you can quench your thirst and take baths. There is a hypothetical situation where you can take a bath, stream patriotic tunes, watch DIRECTV, and quench your thirst all at the same time.
Get Connected with Bruner Dynamics Today.
What is a Brüner?
You might as well ask what salt tastes like or how water feels. Until you’ve interacted with a Brüner first hand, you can only imagine how great you’ll feel. A warm handshake, a compliment, a rubix cube coaching session, or just a chat about your weekend will leave you feeling better about your self and the world in general.
Brüner Dynamics is on course to change the world:
- 98% of Americans have never hung out with Jimmy. That’s about to change. With satellite technology, you can hang with him all day, every day.
- You’ve probably seen our ambiguous guerilla marketing stickers plasterd at various locations from laptops to street lamps.
Equipment
When you sign up for Brüner Dynamics, we make it easy to get connected. We’ll send a professional technician named Ralph to install your new dish in an optimal location and set up your wifi router inside your home.
Brüner Satellite Dish
To access Brüner you’ll need a Brüner Satellite Dish. Jimmy’s cousin Ralph will test for the best installation location and install the dish on your abode. He’ll probably stay for dinner.
Brüner Wi-Fi Modem
The Brüner WiFi Modem gives you wireless internet throughout your home. It also includes a Voice service adapter so we can listen and see if anything cool is happening at your place.
Brüner Dynamics FAQs
Is James listening to my conversation?
Brüner Dynamics is commited to privacy, autonomy, transparency, and idiosyncrasies. In order to maintain our high standard of product, James reserves the right to listen in to conversations in your home. In exceptional circumstances, we reserve the right to have James join your conversation with a really great zinger, joke, quip, or comeback.
Why should I get Brüner Dynamics?
Remember when you were a kid in the 80’s and you were obsessed with space and the future? Well, the future is upon us. We’re still waiting for a nuclear-powered flying Delorean that runs on refuse, but we do have satellites. Hi-tech space craft orbiting our planet, beaming down cat videos to an adoring public. Like the majestic Millennium Falcon from long ago, Brüner Dynamics will put you in touch with the future with a bad-ass satellite dish mounted directly onto your house. “Rogue Two checking in.”
Who is the guy who keeps walking in front of my place? Is that Ralph?
Brüner Dynamics is commited to privacy, autonomy, transparency, and idiosyncrasies. In order to maintain our high standard of product, James reserves the right to listen in to conversations in your home. In exceptional circumstances, we reserve the right to have James join your conversation with a really great zinger, joke, quip, or comeback.
Where does space start?
An excellent question. At bruner dynamics, we generally see space as any matter, atmosphere, or void not curretnly occupied by James Bruner. Therefore, space starts and ends with Mr. Bruner.